Mom, You’re Cooler than Squashed Possum!

kristen.roadkill

Kristen’s 9-year-old composed this ode to her awesomeness for Mother’s Day.

We can only imagine how teary-eyed Kristen was after reading it.

Teary-eyed from laughter, possibly, but teary-eyed nonetheless.

*****

Thanks to Kristen for putting her modesty aside and sharing with the readers of SKW how she puts roadkill to shame. Check out her blog here. (SPOILER ALERT: No roadkill.)

You should share some funny kids’ writing with us, too! End-of-school time is a great opportunity to discover a treasure in a child’s backpack. (SPOILER ALERT: There may be roadkill.)

Email an image of the piece to either leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com or mcfadden.chase@gmail.com. Or to both if you’re feeling ambitious.

Don’t Lick the Minivan (or Scratch Words on It with Rocks)

DLM Front Cover OnlyLeanne Shirtliffe (aka “Ironic Mom“) — the far-better and far-more-female half of Stuff Kids Write — has published a book!

Please check out her humorous parenting memoir titled Don’t Lick the Minivan by either clicking here or on the book’s cover you see to your left (no, your other left). Then buy it.

If you’re a parent, you’ll laugh and nod knowingly as you read Leanne’s honest, hilarious description of life with her twins (not those twins: her kids). If you’re not a parent, the book is a reasonably-priced form of birth control. Either way, it’s a win for you!

Following is a post from Leanne which first appeared on Stuff Kids Write in May 2011. It’s funny in a cringe-worthy sort of way and gives you a pretty good idea of what you can expect from Don’t Like the Minivan.

Soccer night. Two kids on two different teams playing at two different fields. I have enough equipment to load down a trio of Sherpas. My husband is at a meeting and, as usual, I’m barely coping in my attempt to get everything and everyone out the door. I send Vivian and William outside while I gather the last of the gear, which includes my mitts and sunglasses (nothing says soccer season in Canada like contrasting accessories).

The door slams behind me. I notice Vivian and William collecting rocks on the side of our driveway.

I load the last of the stuff and walk around to open William’s side of the van.

I see this writing:

Stuff Kids Write

"William" (with sad face above)

“Did you use a rock to write on the van?” I say. Sometimes you have to ask the obvious.

Vivian looks at me. I can tell she’s stalling. “I’ll just crawl in William’s side,” she says.

“You didn’t write—“ I interrupt myself. “Did you carve things too?”

I walk over to the other side.

I see this.

Stuff Kids Write

"Vivian only" (with scratches on the left, where she was trying to get the rock to work properly)

And this.

Stuff Kids Write

"on behalf of my class" (yes, she's composing dedications)

My kids know by my speechlessness that they’ve done wrong.

I rub my index finger across one of the gorges. “This won’t come off,” I say. “Ever.”

I hear choruses of “I’m sorry” and “We didn’t know.”

And I think: Freaking stuff kids write.

Guilt and Attention: a seven year old’s arsenal

A long time ago, when Caity was a wee girl of seven, she wrote her mom a note.

Caity, now an adult, recently discovered this relic. “It looks like I threw something and hit one of my siblings, earning a spank from Mom,” she explains. “Then I pulled out all the stops to try to get attention, make her feel guilty, apologize, and use sarcasm. Oh, childhood!”

Sounds like everyday in my house.

 Guilt Letter to Mom Post Spanking

Actual Translation: Mom, you scratched me when you spanked me. I know you hate me, you can tell me that. Anyway, can I call Dad? I have a feeling you’ll say No. Now what am I gonna do? Your stupid daughter, Caity. P.S. Enjoy the rest of the show. P.P.S. I didn’t mean to do that. Because no one knew where it was gonna land!! P.P.P.S. I feel sick. 😦 XOXOXO….

Metaphorical Translation: Mom, we’re little sh*ts. I won’t be surprised if you open a bottle of wine. I will be surprised if you wait until after dinner.

~~~

Thanks to Caity for the submission. You can find Caity at her blog, Readviews.

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If you have funny writing you did as a child or other amusing stuff kids wrote,
please consider submitting it as a jpg file to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.

Don’t Mix Colors (or Words)

honest.art.eval

Melanie asked her 5th grade students to “be honest” with their assessments.

This artist received an A+ in Not Mixing Words.

The Truth About Crossword Puzzles

Eight-year-old Vivian has spent hours watching her dad do crossword puzzles.

Last week, on day four of being stuck at home with a high fever, she grabbed the puzzle page of the newspaper, did the word search, and wrote on her dad’s beloved puzzle.

What's the point crossword

I wonder what the “down” clue is for that…

~~~

Please share your image of a funny piece of children’s writing by submitting to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.

That’s a Hell of a City!

erica.sexguncity

Six-year-old Connor wrote about his family’s trip to Six Gun City in his “What I Did This Summer” journal.

Judging by that waterslide, it looks like a really fun place.

Who knows? Sex Gun City might be fun, too.

No word on what the waterslides are like there.

*****

Thanks to Erica, Connor’s mom, for sharing his summer memory. Check out her blog here.

Please share your image of a funny piece of children’s writing by submitting to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.

If you do, we’ll let you go down that slide.

Or give you a ticket to Sex Gun City.

Whichever you prefer.

Gas Games Are Fun

alexis.6yo.pe.gas

Six-year-old Alexis likes PE because her teacher makes up fun games.

Not that gas in PE isn’t fun.

Remember the cool little scooters?

Any game involving those is a perfect fit for flatulence. After all, breaking a bit of wind might provide a slight boost in propulsion, and it makes a pretty terrific sound effect. (Just don’t leave any skidmarks.)

And if you didn’t want to get caught underneath the parachute before, just wait until someone pulls the ripcord on one under there!

Do you think they put that hole in the middle of the fabric for ventilation?

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Thanks to Shelley for sharing her daughter’s note with Stuff Kids Write. It’s no stinker, that’s for sure.

Please send us funny samples of kids’ writing you catch wind of.

Email to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.

The Ofnig (Orphanage) Might Be Getting More Crowded

Seven-year-old Olivia was jumping on the bed when her mom asked her to stop. She kept jumping, so her dad yelled at her.

Olivia responded in writing, handed this note to her parents, and ran to another room.

Orphanage

“I don’t know what to say but I want to be with an orphanage.”

Do you think an adult ofnig is a pub? I hope so.

~~~

Thanks to Thuy for sharing what Olivia wrote.

You should share, too. Submit an image of a child’s funny writing to either mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.

A Penise Saved Is a Penise Earned

penise.popcorn

A penise for your thoughts:

Do you think the teacher put them in a jar?

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Thanks to Jeremy for sharing his 7-year-old’s plea for PENNIES with Stuff Kids Write!

You should share, too. Submit an image of a child’s funny writing to either mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll get a popcorn party.

Take My Word For It: This Book Is Asam!

Seven-year-old Sage wrote a book.

We’ll let her tell you all about it:

sage.story

A long, fun, weird story about a girl? What’s not to love about that!

Pretty savvy strategy by Sage giving us the CliffNotes version of her novel: just enough of a  tease to get us to buy the to-be-published bestseller or go watch the film adaptation, but not so much as to spoil it for us.

Asam.

*******

Thanks to Sage’s mother, Toni, for sharing with Stuff Kids Write. If you have humorous kids’ writing you’re willing to share with our readers, please send it either mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com. Thanks!