Leanne Shirtliffe (aka “Ironic Mom“) — the far-better and far-more-female half of Stuff Kids Write — has published a book!
Please check out her humorous parenting memoir titled Don’t Lick the Minivan by either clicking here or on the book’s cover you see to your left (no, your other left). Then buy it.
If you’re a parent, you’ll laugh and nod knowingly as you read Leanne’s honest, hilarious description of life with her twins (not those twins: her kids). If you’re not a parent, the book is a reasonably-priced form of birth control. Either way, it’s a win for you!
Following is a post from Leanne which first appeared on Stuff Kids Write in May 2011. It’s funny in a cringe-worthy sort of way and gives you a pretty good idea of what you can expect from Don’t Like the Minivan.
Soccer night. Two kids on two different teams playing at two different fields. I have enough equipment to load down a trio of Sherpas. My husband is at a meeting and, as usual, I’m barely coping in my attempt to get everything and everyone out the door. I send Vivian and William outside while I gather the last of the gear, which includes my mitts and sunglasses (nothing says soccer season in Canada like contrasting accessories).
The door slams behind me. I notice Vivian and William collecting rocks on the side of our driveway.
I load the last of the stuff and walk around to open William’s side of the van.
I see this writing:
“Did you use a rock to write on the van?” I say. Sometimes you have to ask the obvious.
Vivian looks at me. I can tell she’s stalling. “I’ll just crawl in William’s side,” she says.
“You didn’t write—“ I interrupt myself. “Did you carve things too?”
I walk over to the other side.
I see this.
My kids know by my speechlessness that they’ve done wrong.
I rub my index finger across one of the gorges. “This won’t come off,” I say. “Ever.”
I hear choruses of “I’m sorry” and “We didn’t know.”
And I think: Freaking stuff kids write.
Six-year-old Alexis likes PE because her teacher makes up fun games.
Not that gas in PE isn’t fun.
Remember the cool little scooters?
Any game involving those is a perfect fit for flatulence. After all, breaking a bit of wind might provide a slight boost in propulsion, and it makes a pretty terrific sound effect. (Just don’t leave any skidmarks.)
And if you didn’t want to get caught underneath the parachute before, just wait until someone pulls the ripcord on one under there!
Do you think they put that hole in the middle of the fabric for ventilation?
Thanks to Shelley for sharing her daughter’s note with Stuff Kids Write. It’s no stinker, that’s for sure.
Please send us funny samples of kids’ writing you catch wind of.
Email to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.
Jan is a kindergarten teacher. She sees lots of great stuff kids write.
But Jan’s own 5-year-old son brought this one home from school. In her words:
“Glad to see phonics is working. I’m a proud mom.”
You should be, Jan.
In this case, Ii is for Impressive.
If you see an impressive example of stuff a kid wrote, snap a pic with your smartphone and share it with the followers of SKW! Please email to either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.
Thanks, and happy Isexing to all!
Chase and Leanne
Sometimes kids write in strange places.
Thanks to SKW reader Tina for submitting this awesome piece. She explains:
I found this note while moving. I’ve had that table for about 8 years and never knew it was there!
The unanswered question: Who wrote this?
Based on the sentiment expressed, we can at least narrow it down to only those kids who’ve ever had parents.
Every parent hopes to read special words written by their children.
Jennifer hoped too.
She found this poem in her son’s notebook.
Ode to onomatopoeia and repetition.
Thanks to Jennifer for sharing this note she found in Max’s backpack via Instagram. Max’s writing has been featured here before: Does Elbow Licking Count As Spending Time Wisely? You can read more about Jennifer’s life with Max and his twin sister at NuckingFutsMama.com. And check her out on Twitter: @nuckingfutsmama.
Sahaana is a small businesswoman.
Literally. She’s 7.
And she’s saving up to buy her own iPad. So, in hopes of drumming up a little business among attending parents, she advertised her tutoring services during her brother’s birthday party.
Based on her monthly fee and the rate of inflation, Sahaana should be able to purchase her own iPad somewhere around the year 2032.
Sahaana, don’t sell yourself short, even if you are short.
Better grades are worth more than a dime! Add some zeros to that figure and bump the decimal to the right, girl!
Thanks to Vasu and Priya, Sahaana’s parents, for sharing their daughter’s awesome entrepreneurial spirit.
We all have ‘em…
But few of us ever have the foresight to post a sign on our bedroom door alerting others to the fact it’s the worst day of life. By far.
And including a hand-drawn emoticon to further drive home the point and alert potential non-readers to the fact? Next-level stuff, for sure.
Thanks to Anji for sharing her
son’s sun’s status update.
If he’d drawn a “Like” box, we’d have checked it for sure.
Brian wrote this story when he was a kid. His parents kept it. You’ll understand why. They had to be incredibly proud.
The moral of this story?
Talking mice are inherently wise. If one ever offers you advice, take it.
Just don’t bend over to take it.
Especially if you’re naked.