Blog Archives
Don’t Lick the Minivan (or Scratch Words on It with Rocks)
Leanne Shirtliffe (aka “Ironic Mom“) — the far-better and far-more-female half of Stuff Kids Write — has published a book!
Please check out her humorous parenting memoir titled Don’t Lick the Minivan by either clicking here or on the book’s cover you see to your left (no, your other left). Then buy it.
If you’re a parent, you’ll laugh and nod knowingly as you read Leanne’s honest, hilarious description of life with her twins (not those twins: her kids). If you’re not a parent, the book is a reasonably-priced form of birth control. Either way, it’s a win for you!
Following is a post from Leanne which first appeared on Stuff Kids Write in May 2011. It’s funny in a cringe-worthy sort of way and gives you a pretty good idea of what you can expect from Don’t Like the Minivan.
Soccer night. Two kids on two different teams playing at two different fields. I have enough equipment to load down a trio of Sherpas. My husband is at a meeting and, as usual, I’m barely coping in my attempt to get everything and everyone out the door. I send Vivian and William outside while I gather the last of the gear, which includes my mitts and sunglasses (nothing says soccer season in Canada like contrasting accessories).
The door slams behind me. I notice Vivian and William collecting rocks on the side of our driveway.
I load the last of the stuff and walk around to open William’s side of the van.
I see this writing:
"William" (with sad face above)
“Did you use a rock to write on the van?” I say. Sometimes you have to ask the obvious.
Vivian looks at me. I can tell she’s stalling. “I’ll just crawl in William’s side,” she says.
“You didn’t write—“ I interrupt myself. “Did you carve things too?”
I walk over to the other side.
I see this.
"Vivian only" (with scratches on the left, where she was trying to get the rock to work properly)
And this.
"on behalf of my class" (yes, she's composing dedications)
My kids know by my speechlessness that they’ve done wrong.
I rub my index finger across one of the gorges. “This won’t come off,” I say. “Ever.”
I hear choruses of “I’m sorry” and “We didn’t know.”
And I think: Freaking stuff kids write.
That’s a Hell of a City!
Six-year-old Connor wrote about his family’s trip to Six Gun City in his “What I Did This Summer” journal.
Judging by that waterslide, it looks like a really fun place.
Who knows? Sex Gun City might be fun, too.
No word on what the waterslides are like there.
*****
Thanks to Erica, Connor’s mom, for sharing his summer memory. Check out her blog here.
Please share your image of a funny piece of children’s writing by submitting to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.
If you do, we’ll let you go down that slide.
Or give you a ticket to Sex Gun City.
Whichever you prefer.
Gas Games Are Fun
Six-year-old Alexis likes PE because her teacher makes up fun games.
Not that gas in PE isn’t fun.
Remember the cool little scooters?
Any game involving those is a perfect fit for flatulence. After all, breaking a bit of wind might provide a slight boost in propulsion, and it makes a pretty terrific sound effect. (Just don’t leave any skidmarks.)
And if you didn’t want to get caught underneath the parachute before, just wait until someone pulls the ripcord on one under there!
Do you think they put that hole in the middle of the fabric for ventilation?
*******
Thanks to Shelley for sharing her daughter’s note with Stuff Kids Write. It’s no stinker, that’s for sure.
Please send us funny samples of kids’ writing you catch wind of.
Email to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.
A Penise Saved Is a Penise Earned
A penise for your thoughts:
Do you think the teacher put them in a jar?
*********
Thanks to Jeremy for sharing his 7-year-old’s plea for PENNIES with Stuff Kids Write!
You should share, too. Submit an image of a child’s funny writing to either mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll get a popcorn party.
Take My Word For It: This Book Is Asam!
Seven-year-old Sage wrote a book.
We’ll let her tell you all about it:
A long, fun, weird story about a girl? What’s not to love about that!
Pretty savvy strategy by Sage giving us the CliffNotes version of her novel: just enough of a tease to get us to buy the to-be-published bestseller or go watch the film adaptation, but not so much as to spoil it for us.
Asam.
*******
Thanks to Sage’s mother, Toni, for sharing with Stuff Kids Write. If you have humorous kids’ writing you’re willing to share with our readers, please send it either mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com. Thanks!
Arghhhhh You Sure That First Answer’s Incorrect?
Thanks to Jen for sharing this pic of her 7-year-old son Ty’s social studies test.
First off, we can all agree the teacher using an X to mark that first definition incorrect is ironic, right?
We can also agree that answer would have never been marked wrong in Pirating 101. (And by the way, in Dora the Explorer 101, the only acceptable response would be, “Loud, incessantly-repetitive thing that annoys the frickin’ hell out of anyone older than five.”)
Ty, your thinking is the real treasure here.
Well played, matey. Well played.
A Baby Story: Grandma Gets Brutally Honest
When 7-year-old Nicolas was born, it was really awesome.
New world? Discovery? Peeing?
Really cool.
Your grandmother comparing your swaddled, tiny newborn self to E.T.?
Not quite as cool.
Thanks to Tina, the alien’s mom, for sharing with SKW.
Really cool.
Dear Santa: If You Could Bring an ATM That Doesn’t Charge a Usage Fee, That’d Be Awesome!
As Cousin Eddie would say, an ATM machine truly is the gift that keeps on giving the whole year, and we’re all wondering what exactly is included in a bag of pranks, right?
Thanks to Jessica for sharing her 7-year-old son’s Christmas list with Stuff Kids Write. May all her Christmas wishes come true.
Like figuring out a way to get that helicopter to fit under the tree.
*******
Please share some funny stuff kids wrote with the readers of SKW!
Santa letters, Christmas lists, thank-yous, school work: all make terrific stocking stuffers in the form of an image submitted to either mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.
‘Tis the season of giving, people…
Enjoy the Milk and Arsenic-laced Cookies, Santa!
It’s very common for young children to confuse their “b”s and “d”s when writing.
Happens all the time.
Katina’s 6-year-old daughter had just such a mix-up when composing her letter to Santa this year.
Innocent mistake.
Still, might not be a bad idea for the Jolly Ol’ Elf to make sure he brings everything on her list.
After all, roofs can get awfully “slippery” on Christmas Eve.
It’d be terrible if there was an accident.
Watch your step, Mr. Claus…
*******
Thanks to Katina for sharing this Santa letter with SKW’s readers!
Won’t you please share, as well?
Submit your snapped pic of a child’s writing to mcfadden.chase@gmail.com or leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com.
After all, ’tis the season of giving, and laughter is really easy to gift-wrap.
Caramel Popcorn With What?
Autumn is the season of Thanksgiving.
Do you know what your children are thankful for?
You might be surprised.
Eight boxes. That’s a lot of . . . toppings.
If you see a funny example of stuff a kid wrote, snap a pic with your smartphone and share it with the followers of SKW! Please email to either leanneshirtliffe@gmail.com or mcfadden.chase@gmail.com.
